Since finishing third-year of medical school and begining my research year, I’ve been trying to relearn and reassess my priorities and how I spend my time. The feeling of completing third year was really amazing in the sense that I remembered what it was like to not feel scared. In having all this fear just completely washed out of me, I found that it was easier to label what I was feeling and to just emote without becoming so entrenched within them. Or maybe this is because I started an SSRI… heh. Anyway, I felt a bit disappointed in realizing that I was scared for an entire year, and felt a bit pathetic. The meaninglessness of the reasons for my fear is helping me ponder whether or not it was necessary to feel that way during the time, and how I could have made some steps to address that.
Which brings me to this new idea of self-care that I am trying to practice now that it is easier without “time constraints.” Or perhaps I should rather say “competing priorities.”
During third-year, I basically felt that I had no personality and was a shell of a human being. Or robot. Or minion. As I would introduce myself to patients when entering their room my role, I realize now how all-emcompasing that role felt at that time. It was hard for me to figure out what more than I was than a medical student. I guess I could say girlfriend, daughter – but really, I wasn’t really the best at playing those roles at the time. I spent all of my time studying, “taking care of patients,” writing notes, learning, and “learning.” And consuming coffee.
Now, I feel that I am rediscovering my personality, my likes, my dislikes, my hobbies. Hence this blog, exhibit A. Another reinteration of me trying to relive my 12-year-old self with endless amounts of time on photoshop and notepad and some FTP client – was it WinFTP? My 20-year-old self who would thoughtdump on Wordpress whenever I felt that there was nobody to thoughtdump on. (Now, looking back, I realize my very real delusions, which also are slightly scary when I think about some of some patients on psych. What a thin wall that is perhaps.)
Hence this recipe that follows the end of this post. I used to enjoy cooking. It was really nice trying out new recipes, making them for J, and then seeing how they turn out. Trying to do more of that. Need to browse NYTimes for some new ideas.
I’m also trying to be a better girlfriend and daughter. I’m trying to do more to take care of the home we built together. I’m trying to support J in discovering his new hobby (surfing, something that “cool people do”). I’m trying to care for him more. I’m also trying to be there for my parents, to listen to them when they need to emote. To share with them my thoughts on whatever difficulties that they may have. To support them in whatever decisions they need to make. (The latest unsurmountable challenge is to improve their mental health).
I’m discovering my physicality, my mortality, with exercise and healthy eating. I’m trying to learn more about what my body tells me, which I’ve overshadowed so much, and still can’t every listen to as I’m stuck in my mind. Maybe some yoga, maybe some mediatation. Man, this all sounds so typical. Anyway…
Vegetarian Chile Recipe:
Adapted from Cookie and Kate (the bulk of it) and Serious Eats (the chile part)
This is the best version of chile that I have made so far! With the mix of chiles, you get a very spicy and flavorful taste but not overpowering in that you need a jug of milk next to you. I’m still trying to get that smoky flavor, but I think I just need to suck it up and buy some “liquid smoke” (whatever that is) for that.
Materials
Methods
1. Roast poblano peppers whole in broiler 5 minutes turning often until black and blistered and peel skin.
2. Chop chiles, celery, and onions.
3. Put some olive oil in a dutch oven and cook chiles in oil on medium-high heat until it changes color (usually orange) stiring often.
4. Add chopped veggies and cook until onions clear about 5 minutes. Add spices and garlic.
5. Add poblano peppers, canned tomato, canned corn all beans (drained & washed), veggie stock or water.
6. Bring to a boil, then down to a simmer. Cook 30 minutes stirring occasionally.
7. Mash chile with potato masher until you like the consistency.
8. Add flavoring things to taste (except garlic).
9. Take off heat and serve with toppings as desired. We usually also make a corn bread to go with this :)