here i am i am here. where do i find me, can i dig myself up, climb up a vine that’s buried under ground. dig dig down, step up like on each leaf. i’ll meet myself. what would i say. hi. hi. and laugh.
here i am back at the origins of my self expression and limitless freedom. typing away in the familiar courier new font. each line a newer version of note pad. i have to enter each space. b r b r brrrr slash carrot
i’ve been so pained. i’ve inflicted pain on my self and others. i hope i can come back from it. will i be ok. am i ok. i guess im ok. at least im trying.
the lightness of being high. i love that. laughing at nothing, absurdity or nothing. is life heavy or is life just insignificant. is lightness a value i carry? i guess so. pain is just what my body knows, recreates, endures. can i make sense of pain? or can i just laugh it away? i choose to laugh my discomfort, create an instaneous relief, and cry in private, carry the weight.
loyalty. i grasp and stay and endure. even if it doesn’t benefit myself. maybe i need to learn to let go sometimes. when to stop enduring, or maybe not create a situation in which endurance is needed. but i love loyalt because it feels safe and solid. the loyalty i am lucky to feel right now is being surrounded by security and stability and evenness. i guess i need to choose my loyalty to those who feel safe and not provide it automatically.
thoughtfulness. i thought i did not care about intelligence, and i dont know if i do because i do not think about myself as intelligent despite what hoops i’ve lept through to parade as such. i am proud of my thoughtfulness, which is related to my caring and seriousness in which i approach my work.
forgiveness. do i forgive or do i forget. today i tried my best to forgive and seek amends. i think i try my best to forgive as holding on just bears more pain and hatred. i feel like sometimes my forgiveness more so enables me to feel deserving of pain. is that true forgiveness?
ownership and responsibility. to be seen is to own your actions. to hide in shame is to disavow and externalize. i struggle with owning myself totally, seeing my failures in whole and my successes in whole. do i want to be seen? what do i fear? is to be seen to be a target for pain? is that what my brain connects.